Sanity
by Moonfawn
Summary: Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to live.


!DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN _Silent Hill_ and/or any of the concepts/characters therein!

**Sanity**

"_**Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate you since I began to live..."**_

_**AM**,I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream_

"Then we'll do a summoning spell."

"It will take some time."

"We can wait."

For seven years, she waited, just like the mongers who had propped her up as the vessel for their "god". For seven years, she watched herself through other eyes, as a normal, loved child. For seven years, she was watched by the profane eyes that never took theirs off of Silent hill, daring her to hope that she could be redeemed.

"_Because of me_," was how it always started in her lonely room at Alchemilla Hospital. "_Because of me, the town has become something else... A nice town, with a proud history, nice, happy people, people that deserved to be in peace..._

_They didn't deserve a Paradise like this._"

It would never be the same again.

And the seed buried deep within would laugh, writhing inside of her. She hated it so, but that only amused it more. Even when she watched Cheryl and saw even a little bit of what she herself could never have, the closest thing she had to a hobby, it was enjoyed in spite of _it_.

The abomination was unnatural. She was unnatural, for being able to harbor it. Hers was a pain incomparable to that of any other. It was profane to have such a condition at such a young age. The profanity violated her body and mind. At times, she wondered why she set that wanderer's journey into motion. Perhaps it was evidence of a higher plan. As if she would believe such a thing now.

She hated how the fact that she became a host for that _thing_ made her in fact deserving of the abuse that she suffered before. She had evil inside of her, alive and thriving, because it was the only way she could survive. Too cowardly to just die.

_You should have let me burn_.

"_What is keeping this child alive?_"

_"'I'" never thought of myself as such a fool..."_

It was all because of her "gift". The only thing she wanted was to make it all go away, so that Cheryl and her father could be left alone, but her gift was not meant for that. It was meant to bring _them_ back. She never knew what her mother did to make her so, but she hated her for it.

She found herself worshiping an obscene mockery, a metaphor for the entire cult. Mother was all she ever had. What was to be said of her father? Mother always dismissed her queries on the issue.

He opened the door to the truth. As he walked down the rusty, grim hallway with nervous determination, the seed danced mockingly, excitedly, perversely, inside of her, as she looked upon her better half face to face for the first and only time.

She was dying inside. But she was so beautiful. Alessa was very happy to see her just once, a brief time to be calm and forget that anything else in the world existed. She had no idea what Mother had done to her. Drugged, perhaps? She wouldn't put it past her. It probably made the ritual less likely to fail. Cheryl just sat on her knees, staring off into space. Mother was very excited. Her gaze was fixed on the only door to the rusty room in which they were being held.

As he closed in on the door, Alessa's heartbeat increased in intensity, step by step, threatening to fall out of her chest or perhaps jump out and lash angrily at- anything, really. She felt the pulse of the seed grow stronger and stronger too. It was dizzying. The room spun. She wished that she could actually speak to Cheryl, tell her to run, but all she could force out was a hoarse, "Help..."

She didn't even realize what she'd said.

She wished that his intervention would bring sanity back, but there never would be. There never was any to begin with.

After he arrived, Mother did what she had been waiting her entire life for: bringing God to Earth by fusing Cheryl with her original self, Alessa, for only She in all of her understanding could return them to Paradise. But the doctor betrayed her, perhaps in return for what happened to the nurse, in which case Alessa understood perfectly. He used the Aglaophaotis to purge the demon from her body. Disgusted by its true form, the demon burned Mother alive.

Alessa was stunned by the turn of events. The demon was defeated by Cheryl's father, and Alessa returned to her higher self. She was so ill, but had to do something in the brief time in which she had to atone. She gave her flesh, her blood, and her life to return a baby to him and to make a gateway back to the real world.

She wished that she could have done something for the nurse and the doctor. Maybe in another life.

Years passed.

Alessa came to regret her decision. He was not a perfect man, but he was trying to make a better way out of it. She could never afford a guardian, but that was exactly what he positioned himself to be and he paid the price. There could never be a way to remove herself from the blame. Even Cheryl probably blamed her for it, but she was too distracted by walking right into their hands to realize such feelings.

Everything took a backseat to her hate. Turning away from that which could never be fixed, she worked towards a more attainable goal.

"_You said it yourself. The world must be cleansed with fire!"_

"_But that's not what I want._"

Together but separate, she was unable to feel the anguish of the seed bearing down on Cheryl anymore, but was still reminded of the feeling when he approached the nest, as Cheryl walked down that long corridor to nowhere. And once again, Alessa was forcibly reminded of her desperate wish:

She wished that her intervention would bring sanity back, but there never would be. There never was any.

_I have no mouth. And I must scream_.

**A/N: I return to my bread and butter for what I think may be the best fanfic I have ever written. It started with thinking of how desperate Alessa must have felt as Harry tried to reach the room beyond hers in Nowhere. This is the only fanfic that I have done that has left me shaken from writing it. After executing it, I feel that there is more to be done with Alessa as a character, even though it would seem that Konami is done with her after _Silent Hill _3. I realize that this story is a bit rambling in spots, but I'm proud of it overall. Thank you for reading.**


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